I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
