i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
