just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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