You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
