When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
