Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
