whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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