Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
