True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
