finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
