I hate your face
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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