he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
