I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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