Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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