just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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