Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
