My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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