is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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