Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
