my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize