I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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