Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm at about main and main street
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
