i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
