I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
