i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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