Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
