This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize