i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
