His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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