You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
