What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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