Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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