hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
