did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
ok first of all what the fuck
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
