just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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