Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
