just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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