got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
