and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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