I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
