I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
