Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize