i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
