He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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