OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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