I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
