a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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