i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
