Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
