how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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