I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
