i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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