Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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