On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
