Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
A bitchslap is in order.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
