Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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