Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
